The boy was too beautiful, I couldn’t possibly approach him. Statuesque like an Adonis. The height of Michelangelo’s David. The face of a GQ model. He appeared alone, just dancing with his girl friend. There was an innocent fear in his eyes, at least that’s what I interpreted it as. Someone who didn’t want to be approached, while also seemingly lonely. I wondered if the ugliest guy in the bar had the a lot in common with the most beautiful. They were both unapproachable for being out of somebody’s league. I never knew where I fit in, I was probably somewhere in the middle, but the hierarchies of image in the gay community has always fascinated me, so I’ve always pitched below and above. Sometimes I will fuck the guy who is seemingly less attractive than me, and sometimes I will fuck the guy who is more so. I feel socially inept when I walk past this boy. His flowing hair and chiselled face intimidated me, probably like most people in the club. I imagined what I’d say to him. I thought about approaching him, telling him how beautiful I thought he was, asking how his night was going, but I couldn’t. The fear of inadequacy and rejection stopped me. He was out of my league. The league I’d built for myself was inadequate. I felt like a small, average looking man, with awkward growing facial hair, oddly shaped features, sporting a bad hair day. I listened to the negative opinion of myself inside my head and I left the bar. I walked out of the club and felt sad. I wondered if he’d be ignored all night for the same reason I ignored him, simply because of his beauty, or maybe I was being naive to the confidence of other gay men.
If any one of us goes to the club alone, doesn’t meet anyone new, and goes home alone, nothing separates us. If you’re not approached because of your image, in a good or bad light, it’s all the same.
On apps we’re all brave, but in the club we’re all cowards. On an app, you’re a dick with a face attached, in a club you’re a face, with nothing attached.
Should we speak to the guy who catches our eye, no matter how much we judge him on face value? How long should the eye contact linger before you know he’s worth speaking to? At what point do we stop waiting for someone else to make the first move?
I think it’s time we all made the decision to be braver. To step up to the guy we fancy and say, ‘hi, how are you, you look really nice tonight’ and see what happens. I really doubt it would end badly. We’re all waiting for that guy we like to come over and reassure our self esteem with a simple ‘hello’, but we’re all too scared to be that guy. Until we participate ourselves, we’ll never see a change. I guess, now, I just need to tell myself that a few times.
writing my thoughts straight from my head in london town